Joke page

Here's where you get off topic and off center....Keep it nice, keep it clean, no sniping, no flaming. After that, anything goes.

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Re: Joke page

Postby Digit » Fri Feb 11, 2011 1:37 pm

I hope not!

Roy.
First people deny a thing, then they belittle it, then they say it was known all along! Von Humboldt
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Visiting a doctor

Postby MichelleH » Fri Feb 11, 2011 3:33 pm

A doctor finished examining a patient and said with satisfaction:
"You are healthy and in a excellent condition. How about your sexual life?"

" Well, not so bad. I can manage it about three times a week."

" What??? only three times a week? With your constitution and health you should enjoy the sweet thing of life at least three times a day!"

"Yes, I would, you know, but it doesn't go because of my job."

"I knew it, I knew it! You are under too much stress and overburdened. What is your profession?"

"I am a priest."
We've Got Fossils - We win ~ Lewis Black

Red meat, cheese, tobacco, and liquor...it works for me ~ Anthony Bourdain

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Re: Joke page

Postby Minimalist » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:08 am

The North Dakota Department of Labor claimed a small Bismarck
> dairy farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an
> agent out to investigate him.
>
> Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees
> and how much you pay them.
>
> Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3
> years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
>
> Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18
> hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
> He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I
> buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope
> with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.
>
> Department of Labor employee: That's the guy I want to talk
> to.... the mentally challenged one.
>
> Farmer: That would be me.
>
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

-- George Carlin
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Re: Joke page

Postby Digit » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:12 am

Great!

Roy.
First people deny a thing, then they belittle it, then they say it was known all along! Von Humboldt
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Re: Joke page

Postby Rokcet Scientist » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:22 am

Bathroom grafitti: drunk octopus.

Image
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Moses

Postby Rokcet Scientist » Sat Feb 19, 2011 9:42 am

God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.
Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?
God: Yes.
Moses: Awesome.
God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.
Moses: …ten?
God: Is there a problem?
Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?
God: No. For you see, Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.
Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.
God: Yes.
Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.
God: Yes.

Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?

God: ...
Moses: Are there any other Gods up there I can talk to?
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Re: Joke page

Postby Minimalist » Sat Feb 19, 2011 10:44 am

IRISH COMPASSION

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Ireland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said, 'No, so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked, Laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.

-- George Carlin
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Re: Joke page

Postby Rokcet Scientist » Sat Feb 19, 2011 4:31 pm

Fond memories:

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Re: Joke page

Postby Digit » Sun Feb 20, 2011 10:28 am

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asked: "What happened?"
The woman said: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor explained: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman said: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor replied: "The tea does pipper all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick !"

Roy.
First people deny a thing, then they belittle it, then they say it was known all along! Von Humboldt
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Re: Joke page

Postby circumspice » Wed Feb 23, 2011 1:02 am

:( :shock: :cry: NOT FUNNY.

Digit wrote:A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asked: "What happened?"
The woman said: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
The Doctor explained: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman said: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor replied: "The tea does pipper all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick !"

Roy.
"Damn with faint praise, assent with civil leer, and, without sneering, teach the rest to sneer." ~ Alexander Pope
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Re: Joke page

Postby Digit » Wed Feb 23, 2011 3:46 am

Depends on your sense of humour, I didn't find the Reagan one overly funny either, but I accept that others may well of have done.
I have told 'Jewish' jokes on here as well and can laugh at them, and I'm Jewish.

Roy.
First people deny a thing, then they belittle it, then they say it was known all along! Von Humboldt
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Re: Joke page

Postby Frank Harrist » Wed Feb 23, 2011 9:45 am

Frank Harrist
 

Re: Joke page

Postby Digit » Wed Feb 23, 2011 9:55 am

Couldn't get the sound Frank so I can't comment, and probably wouldn't anyway.
To the best of my knowledge there is no 'standard' for humour, rather like beauty.

Roy.
First people deny a thing, then they belittle it, then they say it was known all along! Von Humboldt
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Re: Joke page

Postby Rokcet Scientist » Wed Feb 23, 2011 10:44 am

Digit wrote: […] may well of have done. [...]


...?
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Re: Joke page

Postby Digit » Wed Feb 23, 2011 10:55 am

??

Roy.
First people deny a thing, then they belittle it, then they say it was known all along! Von Humboldt
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